My story of double Ectopic Pregnancies
Today is the 2 year anniversary of my 2nd Ectopic Pregnancy.
As a way to process, to further my healing, I wanted to share my story in depth with you all. I hope it brings you hope knowing we are never alone in our loss. While we grieve differently, we are never alone!
Let’s start from the beginning shall we?
I always wanted to be a mother!
Not just any kind of mother… a mother of a BIG family.
(You could blame this on all the hours I spent watching 7th Heaven as a kid of the 90s.)
When I met my husband and our relationship reached the point of talking about kids, I was not afraid to say my number was 5 plus! He got a little sweaty, but it didn’t stop him from saying, “I Do.”
That’s us, to the left, on our wedding day back in 2012. Two young kids, madly in love, without a drop of knowledge of what the road ahead to that big family would look like.
“Until finally, in 2019, we were about to start fertility testing and I got pregnant again… finding out on my birthday of all days!”
But like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from, weeks later I was once again being rushed into emergency surgery.
Losing my second baby and my remaining right tube, at 11 weeks pregnant, I was having another ectopic. This time, my tube had ruptured, taking away any possibility of ever getting pregnant naturally again.
My heart felt like it was ripped out of my body. I was left in pieces.
In a matter of moments, my dream of that BIG family was taken from me… never to be achieved like the fairy tale in my head.
That day changed me forever! Not only was I grieving the loss of our baby- a very wanted pregnancy- but I was also grieving the loss of never being able to get pregnant naturally ever again. A blow that was hit even harder when 6 weeks later, I was laid off my “dream job” in a company restructure… losing my insurance that covered IVF.
A depths that my heart sank to were dark and lonely. Depths that, I am sure, many of you can relate to when losing a pregnancy.
A few months after my surgery, I found myself lying on the bathroom floor. I could not even muster up the energy to take a shower and was triggered by seeing my naked body in the mirror… the body that let me down. I felt disgusted in my own skin. It was with tears streaming down my face that I thought, “It’s like a part of me is dying.” And what I clearly heard back, I’ll never forget.
“Yes, it is, but why would that mean a part of you isn’t growing?”
I stopped running and faced my grief!
I began to learn how to meditate… something I never thought I would be able to do.
I took pen to paper and began writing out all my thoughts as a way to clear the clutter in my head. What poured into those pages wasn’t always pretty, but as I wrote, something magical begin to happen!
I poured my heartache, pain, anger, fear, everything into those pages and the magical thing was that as I wrote, I could feel the heavy pressure begin to slowly lift!
It was as if every word I got out of my head and onto those pages released the weight that had found a home in my body. Through my writing, I saw a new narrative emerging. A part of me did die in my grief (as I had thought on the bathroom floor). I’ll never be the same person I was before my loss. Instead, in the depths of suffering…
a NEW me began to awaken!
I reclaimed my personal power by letting love flood my entire body. Somedays that was easier said than done, but I took it moment by moment sending rays of love & light through me and connecting with nature.
Through Meditation and Reiki, I practiced forgiveness towards my body, to not just accept it, but reconnect with it. Soon, I no longer ran past mirrors but stood looking at my reflection, loving all that my body had brought me through and all that it will continue to do for me.
I have rewritten my story and it is my soul’s calling to help you rewrite yours!
After 2 years of soul searching, soul exploring and healing, I now help other women who have gone through the heartbreaking experience that is miscarriage and infertility. I have my babies to thank for leading me to my purpose- coaching women through grief to find deep healing & give them the tools to develop a deep, unshakable love for themselves while honoring the soul they lost!
